I’m behind the wheel of my car bloggin’ this entry. I mean, I’m still parked in McDonalds’ parkin’ lot coz I found out a long time ago that, just coz the store is closed doesn’t mean the wifi’s off, and the wifi’s on so I’m gonna use this opportunity to make a small change of behavior and write cos, right now, writing is the “next right thing.” And the next word I write is the next right word and the next sentence I complete is the next right sentence and so on and so on and so on. As long as I’m writin’ or playin’ the piano or takin’ Joey to school or lookin’ for work or designin’ t-shirts or decorating tip jars or sharing experience, strength and hope w/ folks who are sufferin’, searchin’ for a way out of hopelessness, as long as I’m doin’ all or just some of that stuff that gives life meaning, then I’ll be okay. I’ll be alright.
But, lately, that’s the problem. I don’t want to be alright. Every once in a while I get this notion that I have to punish myself for my sins. And my sins…what exactly are they? Well, I guess it boils down to one sin, really. It’s the sin of fallin’ short. Not livin’ up to expectations. Not being all things to all people. It’s the sin of failin’ the people I love. I have to punish myself for not bein’ perfect.
I don’t know why I have this notion. I know where it came from. It came from my childhood and my mother’s mouth. She expected too much from me and she raised hell if I fell short. But, that was when I was a kid and my mom was ate up w/ all kinds of shit which she was facin’ up to the last 20 years of her life and she told me she was wrong to place such rigorous demands on me and she did her best to make things right and, before she died, I knew she accepted and loved me w/out hesitation or condition. And I forgave her.
But it looks like I held on to the old idea of me…the one my mom discarded long ago….and it looks like I bring it out and up every time I have to make a choice as to what direction I’m goin’ to point my life.
Now, thanks to gettin’ off booze and all other drugs, I’ve lived long enough to have more life behind me than in front of me but, and I also have to thank God and AA’s 12 Steps for this, I still have health, energy and brains enough to want to do more w/ the life I have left. At least, I want to do more when I’m in a productive state of mind.
But, at this moment, I’m tending toward self-destructive thinking. Thinking that tells me, “You don’t deserve any more than you’ve already. In fact, you don’t deserve what you’ve got right now.” And I know the thinking is flawed but, I’ve read this some where, “self-knowledge alone is not enough.”
And self knowledge of my self-destructive thinking won’t stop it from becoming self-destructive behavior. Like everything else good that has been accomplished in my life, thought has to be accompanied by faith which has to be put into action. It’s the who;e faith w/out works thing.
Now, I know this has always worked for me in the past